I am a God loving Southern Baptist, an Air Force wife, a daughter, sister, auntie, and niece, and bored. I am bored. My life is not anywhere close to what I thought it would be when I turned 25. I didn't even spend my 25th birthday how I thought I would. But here I am, a military wife, homeowner, Christian, woman who will never concieve naturally, living halfway across the US from anywhere I like. I feel confused and yet oddly calm. I gotten the "i'm leaving for Iraq" call so many times that Egypt actually is a relief, I've heard "not pregnant" about as many times. Yet, my life is uninteresting and boring?...I told DWG today that I was having a mid-life crisis, technically a quater of a life crisis. He of course being the smarty boots he is informed that with the life expectency these days I was really having a third of a life crisis. He said that he hoped I didn't need a new car but that if that's what it takes...really though maybe a cadiallac would help :) I am tired of being bored and just rowing and rowing and rowing. Is Jesus walking on the water past me and I'm missing Him??? Maybe I will never know who I am, who I was, or who I am suppossed to be.
I struggle with infertility, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome to be exact PCOS. It's a disease that makes it hard to conceive, use insulin right, and makes me high risk for ovarian cancer before i'm 30. It's sucky but it seems like whenever I start talking about it, I make people laugh. Who would have ever thought that i could stand there and talk about something that's down right awful and get them to giggle. It makes me think that God has given me this challenge for a reason (well they're all for a reason) Infertility is so hush hush and people are so very uneduated about it. I am amazed at how people have stuggled with the same things that I do, the miscarriages, the tests, the pills....the list goes on. People this is a problem! This disease will never go away (unless you have no girly parts left). We need to laugh and share and remember that we have to see that light, that prize that He has at the end of our road. I wonder if I stood on stage at a Baptist Women's Convention and asked how many women struggle/ed with infertility, how many would raise their hand. Raise your hands! Share your experience with that lost, scared soul! Be a comedian! God didn't give us this challenge to be quiet about it, He wants us to help others with our knowledge.
I was at what felt like my lowest point since that fateful ultrasound (us) in 2007. I had went to my fertility dr, Dr.H, on monday he once again said everything was looking promising blah blah and after the us he told me he was ordering an HCG shot (forces ovulation) so I call the company this morning and ask when my shot will arrive. They have no recent record of a shot being oredered. I leave a messgae with the dr and I get a nasty call from the nurse saying he ordered me an ovulation test kit, not an HCG shot. All day I've wondered how i could make such a critical mistake, and how stuff just wasn't adding up. 5 hours ago i felt nothing but sorrow and guilt for myself. I felt worse than the dog you-know-up DWG throws over the fence. Then about 4 hours ao the dr calls and said that he was incredibly sorry, I was right i did need that shot. HELLO! I'm no dr but why did i need to predict ovulation when i had an egg almost big enough! GAH! THis is not the first mistake that the dr has made and they're kind of a big deal. all that's in my brain now is, did he make a mistake and maybe he could have saved my baby? I pray that i will act like a Christian woman tomorrow and not a homegrown hillbilly. I will also be looking for a new dr against DWG's wishes. One thing that I have learned from all of this is that I am blessed to have the ability to get this far, this road is in no way pleasant or easy but there are people far worse off than I am.
With help from Him...we've been home for about a week and oh my have we been busy! We've been painting. I will tell you what, paint a bathroom with you husband and you will learn patience, tolerance, everything! The living room looks good, one wall is a bit dark from my taste but DWG likes it. We both have to go back to work tomorrow and shocker, I don't want to go. DWG will be gone for a few days so my old life will be back momentarily. I have yet another Dr.H appt in the morning. We shall see what he says. Sometimes I think my eggs have been pickled :) I know that I will make it through this life and it will be wonderful and glorious. It's Sunday, a beautiful day(to be inside), God is doing wonderful things remember to open your heart and get on your knees!