Ouch! I've been shot

I love the idea of a blogging, like writing in a journal but with feedback. Except that no feedback happens here and I'm sure that is for the best. I do hate the fact that people hate what you write yet continue to read it. I am not embarrassed by my disease, I did nothing to cause it nor did I ask for it. I have amazing people that are my warriors in my journey. When my first angel baby went home to Heaven I was shocked and amazed at the lack of support. I was just as shocked and amazed by the amount of support. It's funny how you think you know who you need and what you need from them but He shows what is needed. That was almost 2 years ago that my journey became different. People feel that infertility is a private "issue" and should be kept that way. I disagree, I have always been open with what's going on and what I've been through. I've had several women come to to share that they needed wisdom because they too were struggling with infertility. My heart sang because I was able to turn this nasty disease into a good thing! Recently I have been quiet about things that are going. I felt if people didn't want to know I certainly wasn't going to force it down their throats. I have since changed my mind and as others have been blogging "if you don't like what I am saying, please feel free to use the red x in the right corner" That is in no way me being ugly. It's me saying that it's ok to talk about what I "have" and that it's scary for me too. As of today I am in a fabulous place in my treatment and would normally keep quiet because I don't want my parade to rained on but I can't help. It's like He is telling me to say it and I just have to listen to Him. Today I got a trigger shot, trigger shots are used when an egg is mature and ready to be released. The trigger insures that it releases to get fertilzed. I've known for 2 days that I was going to get this and for 2 days I've been sick. I have the worst case of the "what if's". what if this doesn't work like the other times, what if I have to start injectables. What if this does work, what if I have 3 angel babies? It's scary to know that you will never hold your child here on this Earth. It's sad to know that your babies are not considered babies. I would never trade my journey and my babies in Heaven because I know that when I go home to my Savior I have 2 babies waiting for me that know me. I know this has been long and somewhat rambly but hey I'm no BlogHer so you get what you pay for :)
The moral of the story is I have an egg, a trigger, some fabulous warriors, and some serious nerves!

Conviction

This morning the best message ever was spoken. Well I always say that but I just love the words that come out of that man's mouth! I wish that I could write some of what was said but it just isn't the same, I don't have the passion that he has. He spoke of being a Christian and needing a respirator or life support. And not the hospital kind, the human kind. He spoke of Job and how no matter what, Job would not curse the Lord. He also so pointedly spoke about how the Lord is our Holy God Almighty and how He can do anything and He does it alone and perfectly. I felt beyond convicted the ENTIRE service, in fact when he looked at me I had to shift my eyes. I never doubt my Savior or the plans He has for me, but I to often forget that He does have a perfect plan for me and that He is what matters period. I left people get to me, let them control my feelings, my thoughts, let them run me down and worry me. No more. I need to spend far more time on my knees and equally as much time praising Him with every breath. I do not need the human "pick me up" I need to instead look to Him and hear what he is saying.

Day 10

Finally! The last nasty pill has been swallowed. WOO HOO! This has definitely been the wrong time to go through another round of fertility drugs. In fact the last 2 months have almost killed me so I have decided to take 3 weeks off of school. That should get me through this cycle and then maybe my body won't be ticked and I won't be throwing up like a kid at prom. I never in a million years though this would be my life, ever. It's not something you can imagine and it's certainly not something that is easy when you feel that you have to be secretive. I am OMG SO thankful for my "warriors", it's amazing how even a tweet can make you feel better on you lowest infertile day. Thanks to those that love and support me, despite my crappy ovaries.